Freedom Limited

(This article is a part of the web-exclusive series from our latest issue 'The Marriage Issue'. More from the print quarterly here.).Legal and social activism in Nepal has pushed the idea of a more inclusive society, one where there is respect for all minorities, including the largest minority – women. What is at stake is best expressed in the words of Jyotsna Maskay, chairperson of Loom Nepal – an organisation that works to strengthen feminist youth activism in Nepal – who says, "Our freedom cannot be compromised based on assumptions, and expectations. We want freedom to contribute to a just nation; we want freedom from stereotypes, and forced choices. My bodily autonomy is a way to reclaim my space." Unfortunately, when it comes to gender equality in the country, deeply entrenched patriarchal values have proved to be a major stumbling block. If a society is judged by the way it treats its women, especially through the institution of marriage and its associated cultural norms, Nepal still cuts a sorry figure. A snapshot of this inequality is provided by the World Economic Forum's 2015 Global Gender Gap report, where Nepal ranked 110th among 145 countries, behind Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and India..Nepal's society has seen an unprecedented churn with respect to gender roles, relationships and lifestyles in the past decade, mostly in response to the migration of people and the rise of a modern, consumerist society, fuelled in part by the remittance economy. Economically empowered women, who have also been exposed to newer, more egalitarian social values through increased media consumption, now have desires that challenge the status quo of regressive cultural norms. This is especially so for urban, upper and middle-class women. While stereotypes about 'good' traditional women and 'bad' modern women are still stymieing the process of real change, the upshot is the many small battles fought on a daily basis by Nepali women, usually within homes. These everyday crusaders, many from privileged backgrounds, have met varying degrees of success in obtaining more autonomy with regards to their own person..While stereotypes about 'good' traditional women and 'bad' modern women are still stymieing the process of real change, the upshot is the many small battles fought on a daily basis by Nepali women, usually within homes."My dad said I could not go on a vacation till I was married. Before that he said I could not go on a vacation by myself till I graduated," says 29-year-old Sita, a medical professional. Her father disapproved because, according to him, 'good women' did not travel alone, especially if they were unmarried. "I want to be able to go on a holiday, irrespective of my marital status. He finally gave in, but I had to argue with him for months." Sita also says her erstwhile fiance had told her that she would not be 'allowed' to travel to a different country without him, after marriage. Sita decided to end the engagement soon after, and is now going to Australia in three months by herself..Fatal beauty ideals.Constant surveillance and the restriction of movement, by both the immediate family and gossipy neighbours, often disguised as 'protection', is one of the many forms of control that Nepali women face. Controlling women's bodies has also meant creating rigid definitions of beauty. This is one area where 'traditional' modes of thought that value women only for their reproductive ability and sexual allure in the marriage 'market' has coalesced with the 'modern' global imagery around sexualised women's bodies in mass media to create conceptions around what is desirable in a 'suitable girl'. Women are considered too thin or too fat, and never quite right. Deep-seated body image issues among young women who struggle to attain unrealistic ideals of feminine beauty are, therefore, fairly common. Sima, 24, said she went from being 45 kg to 56 kg in the last few years. When she was 45 kg, she was told she was too thin and asked whether or not her parents fed her. Now at 56 kg, Sima is constantly asked why her parents allow her to eat so much. She is on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, even from strangers, on what to eat and exhortations to join the gym. "My uncles say that if I do not lose weight, I will not find a good husband," she says. "Everyone teases me about my weight. I have nicknames like 'haathi' and 'football', and I try to laugh it off. But, honestly, it bothers me when people judge me based on my weight. But I don't think I look bad – I am healthy now. In my older pictures, I looked like I was wasting away from some disease," says Sima, who tries to accept herself as she is, despite the body-shaming. Unlike Sima, there are many, especially young adolescent girls, who turn to food or away from food to deal with their feelings of inadequacy, making them vulnerable to eating disorders..A recent study, published in the Clinical Psychiatry journal in December 2015, showed how adolescent school-going girls in Kathmandu were more vulnerable to body image dissatisfaction (BID) compared to boys their age. Examining "the gender difference in prevalence and determinants of eating disorder among adolescents in Kathmandu", the study found that in a sample population of 239 school-going adolescents between the age of 15 and 19, approximately 71 percent of females perceived themselves as overweight and desired thinner bodies, while 14 percent of females wanted to gain weight because they felt they were too thin. In comparison, 12 percent of males saw themselves as being overweight and 60 percent of males felt they were too thin. However, the prevalence of eating disorders among the girls (at 29 percent) was nearly double the rate among boys (at 16 percent). The study also stated that "exposure to media determined BID and as such increased risk of eating disorder in both females and males"..Regressive family norms Besides the pressure to look beautiful in order to 'get married', familial expectations that demand that "good daughters" (and good sons) marry within their own caste or ethnic group, has become another site of conflict because of inter-caste marriages. While such unions have become more common in Kathmandu, it is still frowned upon, especially in conservative families. Richa, 25, born to an affluent Chhetri family had to end her relationship with a Newar because of the difference in caste and the potential 'shame' she could bring upon her family. "We loved each other but we love our families more, and ending our relationship was the right thing to do," says Richa. "My family is happy that I married someone from the same caste, but there isn't a single day that I do not think of how my life would have been with him. The thought makes me unhappy, but I have made my choice," she says.